Palace of Solitude

Ode To An Old Friend

2007-02-11T05:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr Phua Chu Kang,

Thank you for being a part of my life. This Princess will remember you.

Lotsa love,
Me

From Me to You

2006-12-31T07:35:00.000-08:00

I wish all of you a blessed new year filled with much love and joy. May the coming year be a fulfilling one and one which finds you in the arms of all things good and nice! I pray you be kept under The Almighty's watchful eye.

Yours Sincerely,
for the last time in 2006,
ME

The Other Side Is Right Here!

2006-12-21T04:21:00.000-08:00

Don't complain about the rain and enjoy the sight you couldn't see during the haze :)

Have fun while at it!

A Day Out With LEELA

2006-12-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

"The Holiday" is one of the most painful to watch (in a good way)

A voice told me it was going to be good, and I was right

Now I need to nurse my heart

The Crawling Creature

2006-12-13T07:47:00.000-08:00

Likes chocolate digestives and my laptop, Braille, and is my dancing partner at 2 in the morning :)

Post-Exam Trauma

2006-12-07T08:36:00.000-08:00

What a terrible thing it is to be an adult.

Last Friday, as I was on the escalator going down from the MRT station, I saw a headless body. I thought I was mad or that the exams have really fried my brains. And then I saw the head, the one topped with jet black hair, move up from whatever he was looking for or at on the ground or something, slowly rising from the all black outfit he donned.

Have a wonderful holiday everyone!

Yours Truly,
Me

Yup, it's a tale all right

2006-11-27T04:55:00.000-08:00

We are all Cinderellas in our own little ways. We're just not princesses yet.

"Waiting For Godot"

2006-10-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

Good evening honourable guests!

It is a pleasure to know that you are still sticking around at Palace of Solitude's inaugural staging of "Waiting For Godot". I hope you've been enjoying the show so far. This show might go into "proper" intermission some time in the indeterminable future, but in the meantime, I hope you'll have a pleasant stay! Thank you for your undying support!

Yours Faithfully,
Your Resident Princess

What is Love really?

2006-05-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

Yup! You're right. The title doesn't exactly sound like me. Wait, is that why you're here reading this post?

I'm responding to a "meme"--what the heck is that? by Zequan.

So,

What is Love really?

My answer is simple,

Only GOD's love is real and everlasting. Everything else is an accident.

Have a great summer break everyone!

Lotsa love,
Me

E-mails

2006-04-26T06:24:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should just e-mail myself. It can get quite depressing when you sign into your account expecting to find new e-mails and there are none.

Solitude.

Women Who Suffer

2006-04-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

Women Who Suffer

Dr. Nurit Peled-Elhanan is the mother of Smadar Elhanan, 13 years old when killed by a suicide bomber in Jerusalem in September 1997. Below is Dr. Elhanan's speech made on International Women's Day in Strasbourg in March 2005.

Although a year on from the time of this address by Dr. Nurit Peled-Elhanan, the issues and need for such honesty is ever more critical.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for inviting me to this today. It is always an honour and a pleasure to be here, among you (at the European Parliament).

However, I must admit I believe you should have invited a Palestinian woman at my stead, because the women who suffer most from violence in my county are the Palestinian women. And I would like to dedicate my speech to Miriam R'aban and her husband Kamal, from Bet Lahiya in the Gaza strip, whose five small children were killed by Israeli soldiers while picking strawberries at the family's strawberry field. No one will ever stand trial for this murder.

When I asked the people who invited me here why didn't they invite a Palestinian woman, the answer was that it would make the discussion too localized.

I don't know what is non-localized violence. Racism and discrimination may be theoretical concepts and universal phenomena but their impact is always local, and real. Pain is local, humiliation, sexual abuse, torture and death, are all very local, and so are the scars.

It is true, unfortunately, that the local violence inflicted on Palestinian women by the government of Israel and the Israeli army, has expanded around the globe, In fact, state violence and army violence, individual and collective violence, are the lot of Muslim women today, not only in Palestine but wherever the enlightened western world is setting its big imperialistic foot. It is violence which is hardly ever addressed and which is halfheartedly condoned by most people in Europe and in the USA.

This is because the so-called free world is afraid of the Muslim womb.

Great France of "la liberte egalite et la fraternite" is scared of little girls with head scarves. Great Jewish Israel is afraid of the Muslim womb which its ministers call a demographic threat.

Almighty America and Great Britain are infecting their respective citizens with blind fear of the Muslims, who are depicted as vile, primitive and blood-thirsty, apart from their being non-democratic, chauvinistic and mass producers of future terrorists. This in spite of the fact that the people who are destroying the world today are not Muslim. One of them is a devout Christian, one is Anglican and one is a non-devout Jew.

I have never experienced the suffering Palestinian women undergo every day, every hour, I don't know the kind of violence that turns a woman's life into constant hell. This daily physical and mental torture of women who are deprived of their basic human rights and needs of privacy and dignity, women whose homes are broken into at any moment of day and night, who are ordered at a gun-point to strip naked in front of strangers and their own children, whose houses are demolished , who are deprived of their livelihood and of any normal family life. This is not part of my personal ordeal.

But I am a victim of violence against women insofar as violence against children is actually violence against mothers. Palestinian, Iraqi, Afghan women are my sisters because we are all at the grip of the same unscrupulous criminals who call themselves leaders of the free enlightened world and in the name of this freedom and enlightenment rob us of our children.

Furthermore, Israeli, American, Italian and British mothers have been for the most part violently blinded and brainwashed to such a degree that they cannot realize their only sisters, their only allies in the world are the Muslim Palestinian, Iraqi or Afghani mothers, whose children are killed by our children or who blow themselves to pieces with our sons and daughters. They are all mind-infected by the same viruses engendered by politicians. And the viruses , though they may have various illustrious names--such as Democracy, Patriotism, God, Homeland--are all the same. They are all part of false and fake ideologies that are meant to enrich the rich and to empower the powerful.

We are all the victims of mental, psychological and cultural violence that turn us to one homogenic group of bereaved or potentially bereaved mothers. Western mothers who are taught to believe their uterus is a national asset just like they are taught to believe that the Muslim uterus is an international threat. They are educated not to cry out: 'I gave him birth, I breast fed him, he is mine, and I will not let him be the one whose life is cheaper than oil, whose future is less worth than a piece of land.'

All of us are terrorized by mind-infecting education to believe all we can do is either pray for our sons to come back home or be proud of their dead bodies.

And all of us were brought up to bear all this silently, to contain our fear and frustration, to take Prozac for anxiety, but never hail Mama Courage in public. Never be real Jewish or Italian or Irish mothers.

I am a victim of state violence. My natural and civil rights as a mother have been violated and are violated because I have to fear the day my son would reach his 18th birthday and be taken away from me to be the game tool of criminals such as Sharon, Bush, Blair and their clan of blood-thirsty, oil-thirsty, land thirsty generals.

Living in the world I live in, in the state I live in, in the regime I live in, I don't dare to offer Muslim women any ideas how to change their lives. I don't want them to take off their scarves, or educate their children differently, and I will not urge them to constitute Democracies in the image of Western democracies that despise them and their kind. I just want to ask them humbly to be my sisters, to express my admiration for their perseverance and for their courage to carry on, to have children and to maintain a dignified family life in spite of the impossible conditions my world in putting them in. I want to tell them we are all bonded by the same pain, we all the victims of the same sort of violence even though they suffer much more, for they are the ones who are mistreated by my government and its army, sponsored by my taxes.

Islam in itself, like Judaism in itself and Christianity in itself, is not a threat to me or to anyone. American imperialism is, European indifference and co-operation is and Israeli racism and its cruel regime of occupation is. It is racism, educational propaganda and inculcated xenophobia that convince Israeli soldiers to order Palestinian women at gun-point, to strip in front of their children for security reasons, it is the deepest disrespect for the other that allow American soldiers to rape Iraqi women, that give license to Israeli jailers to keep young women in inhuman conditions, without necessary hygienic aids, without electricity in the winter, without clean water or clean mattresses and to separate them from their breast-fed babies and toddlers. To bar their way to hospitals, to block their way to education, to confiscate their lands, to uproot their trees and prevent them from cultivating their fields.

I cannot completely understand Palestinian women or their suffering. I don't know how I would have survived such humiliation, such disrespect from the whole world. All I know is that the voice of mothers has been suffocated for too long in this war-stricken planet. Mothers' cry is not heard because mothers are not invited to international forums such as this one. This I know and it is very little. But it is enough for me to remember these women are my sisters, and that they deserve that I should cry for them, and fight for them. And when they lose their children in strawberry fields or on filthy roads by the checkpoints, when their children are shot on their way to school by Israeli children who were educated to believe that love and compassion are race and religion dependent, the only thing I can do is stand by them and their betrayed babies, and ask what Anna Akhmatova--another mother who lived in a regime of violence against women and children--asked: Why does that streak of blood, rip the petal of your cheek?

Just a Piece

2006-04-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm hanging.

And hanging isn't good. Neither here nor there. It's not a good feeling at all.

Stayed with Grandma overnight. No matter how uncomfortable my sleeping position was, my "bed" being three chairs put together, it was one of the nicest, if not the nicest, drifting in and out of sleep experience. I liked being there somehow. There was an uncanny sense of peace I don't get at most other places. Maybe it's Grandma.

Grandma's hair is very silky. And she insisted that I take a pillow when she saw me asleep at around four in the morning. If I had not taken it, she might not have fallen asleep.

Made friends with the lady who got bitten by a cat. Nurses got reprimanded by their superior for negligence-a patient fell in the toilet.

Kept getting mistaken for my Grandma's daughter. Must say, that's a compliment. It allows me to get away from a whole baggage of other appearances people try to throw at me. Maybe for just a while. Either that or I should be really insulted because they must have thought that I look old.

Think Grandma was playing hide-and-seek with me-when she sees me looking at her she'll quickly shut her eyes because I keep telling her to go to bed.

Even then I did a little "shopping" over long distance SMSes, at one in the morning. The wonder. And we both agreed that hospitals are very scary places. For some, it's the last place they'll be. She says maybe that's why so many do not want to be admitted in one.

There was a nurse with a nice tan. And the Senior nurse gave me a big smile at four or some time then. Must have been how I improvised my sleeping area and the fact that I stayed overnight when most others wouldn't have cared. Another nice staff nurse around who talked to me and tried to coax Grandma when injecting antibiotics into her wasn't something pleasant. The nurse with the nice tan offered to carry the big armchair for me so I can sleep on it but I declined. I don't bite, literally, so you don't have to keep looking and then move to the places I stood at before approaching me. Thanks anyway.

I think it's atrocious that if you don't pay much you won't get good services. Things do not have to be this way. Some don't even get to choose.

I think I am nursing a broken heart.

Oh well!

I Love My Gramps

2006-04-20T03:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is so funny that I just had to write it down somewhere.

My Grandpa called my house, asked Mom for my HP number. He then called me and asked what my sister was doing. I passed the phone to her and he asked her where she was. She replied that she was at home. Then he asked her about me. Where is your sister?

You might not get that but who cares?

My sister and I laughed after the call. She quipped, couldn't he have asked you?

HAHA!!

Have fun people of the world!!!

Out the window because the door is closed and down the drain

2006-04-20T02:24:00.000-07:00

The songs are wonderful, and then the video clips spoil it all, influencing everyone with images, yes, just that- images, and they mean nothing at all. And it doesn't help that those images just serve to portray stereotypical and useless, also misleading, messages. There goes the music!

No Options Here...Not anymore!

2006-03-30T06:22:00.000-08:00

I think I did it once more.

I realised that if I don't break away from the fear and anxiety I will forever live in the shadows of the "Trial By Jury" performance. I have to break away and I have to move on, continue moving and tackle everything without inhibition. And I will just have to do it! Whether I like it or not!

A Slice of Life

2006-03-20T04:36:00.000-08:00

At the end of "From Hell" Johnny Depp's character dies. Utterly disturbed, I asked Dr Wagner: "Why did he die?"

Dr Wagner: "Because he has nothing else to live for."

If he went after her, the Free Masons will track him down and he, the girl and the rightful heir to the English Empire will all be killed. So he let her go and never met her again. He had no choice.

I was still not comforted.

Dr Wagner then asked if the ending would have been a better one if Johnny Depp's character continues living but is like "the boring man in the club, drinking alone and talking about nothing else but the love he let go off."

I suppose such an ending would not be fitting for our hero. He died in serenity, as far as I saw. Before he breathed his last, he saw her in his vision, with the baby and they were living happily and were well. That was enough for him.

During discussion, we somehow got to the part about bombings in Britain. Dr Wagner said that during the 1996 bombing of the Docklands, she was at the site just before the bombing took place! And last year's bombing incident, I'm not sure which but I remember the one that took place at the railway station, just minutes before the explosion, Dr Wagner was there too! She says that she seems to be at places where the explosion would happen either right in front of her or behind her. She then quipped that she doesn't know whether she lives a charmed or cursed life.

I wonder.

What kind of lives do we lead? (Not exactly referring to "charmed" or "cursed" lives) Are we what we want to be? Are our lives how we planned them to be? What's in it for us?

What kind of lives do we lead?

To end on a lighter note, today, while I was queuing at the bus line at the interchange, I saw a Caucasian woman who crossed the road and was looking for a bus. A bus driver saw her and called her to him. From their body language I gathered that she thought she had to go to the bus she wants to take and board it right at the berth. I thought that was funny, and rather "cute".

Alrighty fellow travelers, till we chat again! I wish you well and all the goodness life can bring! GOD bless!!

Lotsa love,
Me

One Goal

2006-03-09T07:23:00.000-08:00

One of my goals in life is to save the world, and that I will do! You are welcomed to join. The more the merrier and the better.

~Zaidah

We need more love to go around

2006-02-07T08:35:00.000-08:00

I am sickened by the chain of events unfolding around the world. I wonder who the real terrorists are. I wonder what happened to brotherhood/sisterhood. Mere lip service paid to seal a momentary boost of the ego? When will peace reach our shores? How can it when walls are being built to prevent its arrival? Everyday, every hour, every moment an obstacle is being put in place to deter universal cohesion. As long as we don't realise that we are ultimately One family, we will never be one people, one peaceful world.

Recently there were debates that tolerance alone isn't enough. People must understand how different racial/ religious groups function, their beliefs etc etc. I agree. And I applaud all those who strive everyday to make the world a better place.

We all have a part to play. I know you understand.

Regards,
Zaidah

I'm...furry?

2006-01-09T07:45:00.000-08:00

Wonderful praises I've been given:

Oh Zaidah, you're so

- Cute
- Sweeet
- Smart
- Funny
- Classy

Oh...go on...tell me more...

-Sexy
-Voluptuous (yes, I've been called that!)
- Amazing

And the list goes on...

And then suddenly today...

"You're so furry!"

What?! (Yes, my response too!)

Yes, I have been dubbed "furry" by pal Zequan, and with that reasoning, am nice to hug.

Right!

How many of you out there have been dubbed "furry" before? (Hey, I could have been called worse things...LOL!)

At first instance I thought "wooly" would be a nicer adjective because I am only but "furry" because of my winter jacket, but then I figured the former kinda sounds less pleasant. At least "furry" can be associated with cute things. Go figure. And no, I'm not trying to associate myself with any of those "cute things".

Oh, one more. I'm also a "mugger toad" according to Miss Meah Zequan, cos I finished Anne Bronte's "The Tenant of Wildfell Hall" before the due time.

(To ZQ: Hey! See that? At least half a post dedicated to you already! So don't bug me anymore! LOL!!)

So yes, the new semester has begun. The workload, reading list, is crazy, and yes, it's just the start, but I'm kinda having fun. I am, however, determined not too have too much "fun" cos I slacked a lot last semester. I missed my tutorial mates on the first day of semester already, although we didn't have tutorials then. It was just the thought of it that saddened me a wee bit. I talked to, yes, the infamous Miss Meah (ZQ), and the moment we started talking about some module, I can't remember what, and realized that we weren't talking about a similar to-be-experience just feels strange and wrong. But, ZQ taught me an important lesson, she said "adapt my dear", if I remember her exact words properly. And adapt I shall. Thanks girl! And thank you to my entire Semester One tutorial gang for making my 1st sem a very enjoyable one! You peops are the funniest and fun-nest bunch of people to hang out with! And I LOVE YOUUUUU!!!

Oh, talking about toads, Kit made a funny comment, don't wanna mention the person in question, about not wanting to put her lips on a frog...haha. (Private joke)

Ok, on another note, I cleaned a bit of my room! Got the shelves to be in less of a chaos. Motivated by the piles of books I had to get for this semester's modules. Literature is a very expensive course! I went into my room just now and I felt a little intimidated...haha. There seemed to be space in the room. I can walk without looking at the floor and there seemed to be an echo-y feel to the room. Then again, that might not stay very long cos the stuff I dumped outside while I tidy my shelves will most surely be brought in soon.

Alrighty dear loyal fans of mine, I shall end here since I aspire to post this entry before midnight. I still need to edit some stuff cos anything written in Microsoft words will just turn out wrong when posted on blogger. To my fellow Muslims, SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA! In fact, me and sis might go over to the mosque opposite our house to pay those sheep a visit a little later! Off to grandma's tomorrow morning! To everyone else, enjoy the break!!

Happy 2006!

2005-12-31T07:23:00.000-08:00

Hi people!

This will be my last post for the year. I would like to wish a Happy and Funtastic New Year to one and all! May the new year bring with it more love, joy, happiness and all things good and wonderful for everyone! Know that you are loved by me and that life does bring with it beautiful moments! I LOVEEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUU!! And thank you for loving me! Have fun and have a blessed 2006 everyone!!!

Lotsa love,
Princess Zaidah,
Your resident Princess :)

~Smiles

2005-12-19T08:43:00.000-08:00

Let me forget myself for a moment and find out who I really am.

The Final Chapter

2005-12-05T08:15:00.000-08:00

Alrighty people, this will be the final chapter of "Beautiful Dreams Are Made of These" that I will post. Yup, the final installment. I hope it's been good for those of you who took time to read it. Thank you. So, here you go. Enjoy it!

Cheers,
Zaidah

Beautiful Dreams Are Made of These- Chapter 4

Miss London, your mother's will states that the house will go to you and your brother. She also has some shares and bonds that will go equally to you and Jimmy London.

Alright. Thank you, Mr Dawson. If we need your assistance regarding my mother's inheritance, we'll get back to you.

Miss London, there's something else.

Year 2005

2005-12-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

Something hit me today- a revelation of sorts I suppose, not that I haven't been aware of it these past few weeks, days, but the brush with reality just a while ago brought along with it a different kind of realization. 2005 is coming to an end. Nothing new huh? I felt a tinge of sadness- not only because the year is ending but because I waited patiently and in anticipation for this year to come. Ok, I didn't wait patiently, I couldn't wait for the clock to strike at midnight almost a year ago, and many weeks before that fateful night. This year was to bring a whole new life for me, one different from the drudgery and anguish 2004 proved to be. And 2005 just whizzed past me, in an instant. Whether this year has been all that good will be left for another possible post I might write but right now, I'm hoping I will end this year with many good times and memories, as many as I can, surrounded by the people I love.

Part 3

2005-12-03T23:30:00.000-08:00

Beautiful Dreams Are Made of These- Chapter 3

Erika, I swear, it'll be fun. Come along! When was the last time we went ice-skating together? Years ago? Come on! It'll be splendid, I promise.

Sorry Jo. I've got a report to cook up to impress the balding emperor and hopefully he will be pleased enough not to pile me up with more work this weekend. You have fun alright? We'll go another time.

Dream On

2005-12-01T08:02:00.000-08:00

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These- Chapter 2

Hey there, Ice Queen! I heard your fiance scored a home run with that delectable Swedish heiress, and that you had a big fall out with the man. So...you must be single, and available now, aren't you? What do you say? Get it on, with me, my place, Friday night, sweet pea?

Go to hell, Dermott! If by now you still hadn't the slightest clue why you're the only one here who can't get laid weekend after weekend, let me enlighten you. You are an incorrigible narcissistic jerk who still depends on his widowed mother for an allowance to buy drinks for the ladies at the club, can't even come up with a good enough excuse to do so anyway, and last the world heard, your little soldier ain't that all working. The word "loser" is plastered all over your face buddy. Go get a life!

Who told you that?! That bitch Margaret! Just because I don't want to see her anymore she's making up all these stories about me! Damn her!

No, Dermott. You're the one who's damned. And no, you didn't dump her. She dumped you, because you just aren't good enough for her. Face it, you're doomed to be all by yourself, at least until you're old and dying, then maybe some nice soul might take pity on you and call for help when you lie almost cold on the sidewalks while trying to get cigarettes from the stores.

Fuck you!

Goodbye Dermott. I hear Loserville calling out to you. Off you go, sweetpea. Oh, and Dermott, Thursday's ladies' night. We don't pay for our drinks.

Beautiful Dreams Are Made of These

2005-11-29T10:15:00.000-08:00

Beautiful Dreams Are Made of These- Chapter 1

Sing... sing to me. Right now I can still hear you. Who knows how long I can do that. One day you might just find me deaf to the world. When I get really sick of listening to all the lies around me I might just shut myself in.

What are you saying, Erika? You're scaring me.

You'll never understand, Jo. Things are perfect for you while my world just keeps crashing down no matter how hard I try to piece it back together. Come on, let's sing tonight! Let's forget about everything...and just be happy. At least for one night. One night...before the day comes...and I have to face my life again. Come on!

Erika, be careful. The rocks are sharp! Wait for me!

Come on!! "Take the wave now and know that you're free! Turn your back on the land, face the sea!" Come on, Jo!

I'm coming! Slow down! You're drunk!

I'm not! Hey Jo...I think I can fly!

Erika!

Aaaa! Jo, help me!

Hold on tight! Don't let go of my hand!

Jo!

Use your right foot to push yourself up! And don't let go of my hand! Come on Erika, a little bit more!

++++++++++

Oh my God! I thought I was going to lose you!

I'm sorry Jo...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...

There there, you're alright now, you're alright.

My New Painting

2005-11-19T09:24:00.000-08:00

My New Painting

I'm painting a new picture
A picture I hope will capture,
A fresh page in my history
A new chapter to my story
I'll use red, green and blue
And I'll paint a portrait for you
And I hope one day you'll see
The real person inside of me
I'm not trying to hide
I'm not saying I'm right
All I ask is that you try,
To see beyond the lie
Don't wash me away
Give me another day
You might just take me in
You might just start to grin
So look closely now
You might not know how,
To judge this piece of art
Don't. Just view it with your heart
What do you see?
Is it really what you want it to be?
A heart being set free?
Or a picture of you and me?

~Anonymous

Disclaimer: I am not in love.

You've lost me, I doubt there's a turning back, I've had it!

2005-11-13T05:30:00.000-08:00

*Warning: This piece of post is not very pleasing to read, I reckon it will be for some anyway, and I feel quite pissed, in a way, that my first post after so long has to encompass such an issue. I, however, need an avenue to rant and release my magma, FYI, the thing that comes out of a volcano when it erupts is called "lava" only after it gets released, before that it's called "magma". Why I'm comparing myself to a volcano I have yet to figure out but right now I feel good about comparing myself to something so massive, and possibly destructive. For post- "Oh-GOD-I read-Zaidah's-Rants-On-Her-Blog" trauma treatment, which just means that if you want something more pleasing to read after this, read the post before this one. It is by far the most pleasing one, and it isn't written by me. Have fun!

Oh gosh I had one of the worst times ever just now! I just hated everything about it! I was surrounded by mindless idiots who were oblivious to other things but themselves and the bimbo-ness of their selective sight! I just can't believe things have turned out the way they did. I admit, I have never been really close or on the same "frequency" as them but whatever happened just now is the last straw. It's amazing how much deterioration of character can take place in a year, or possibly within an even shorter time. Just how much can one succumb to society's shit? The extend to which minds can close, especially when these minds used to disagree with the "atrocities" of life once upon a time, is appalling. The word "atrocities" can now be used to describe the many other ironies that are obviously surfacing.

Does what a person wears make the person? Why is it that one bothers keeping tabs on what other people wear? I mean, its okay to want to look presentable but when that desire borders on the brink of obsession and becomes an avenue for the judging of character it's just wrong and shallow. By the way, in your opinion, what is it about your hide that puts you above everyone else? Obviously I have to ask about your views because a lot of other people, intelligent people, do not think so.

Is engaging in conversations about cosmetics products the most intelligent thing you people can do? Why do you make other people's physiques your problem? Don't you have enough of your own? Is your own body in tip top condition that you have to bother about others'? If you don't like your body, nobody has to hear about it because no one wants to know! For heavens' sake, and for your own and the sanity of those smarter than you who happen to, by some twist of fate, be around you, can you talk about something else other than your interest in the opposite sex, which is misguided in the most base sense anyway- by lust? I seriously wonder what principles govern your lives. If some of you have problems with loving yourselves or your correcting your low self-esteem, go do something about it! Other people do not need to be subjected to the various manifestations of your inadequacies, most of which are really downright crude and plain stupid! And there is no need for pretense; it's hard enough to be one's own self. How long can you keep it up anyway?

I swear, you people are the very kind of "diseased" things I try darn hard to keep away from me, and those plaguing society. What have you become? You're not just an embarrassment, you're a disappointment! You didn't use to be that way. Now you have become the very people you used to hate.

Call it a perception problem or whatever else you want, but I can't be around you people anymore. I've had it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am, however, glad that a friend whom most have thought of as "lost" is actually more sensible than everyone else.

By the way, the event in this post did not take place on the same day as its posting.

La Risonanza 2

2005-06-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

okay... *ahem* Let me first make it clear that I'm not the princess... I am a trespasser on a mission! The princess has proven to be a tad too lazy to blog about one of the bestest days in history.. so I shall cut and paste my own entry here instead. haha. [Disclaimer: Be warned- the blogging style will be very very different]

-squirrel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yay~ Now I shall blog about one of the greatest days in my life. 26th May - La Risonanza 2!

[*nostalgia* Time just passes so quickly... As cliched as it sounds, it seems like just yesterday that we held our very first choir concert.. and now the second one is over.]

Woke up at 7.45am... just in time to watch American Idol!! haha... oh gosh.. what a lovely start to such a great day.. I almost refused to get out of my house.. but boy am I glad that I did. Went to Parkway's Macdonalds for breakfast with Zaidah, Irene and Grace.... after which we then went shopping! You know, I wonder just how many people there are that actually go shopping on the morning of their concert. Which is why we rock. Anyway, only Grace did the buying... and she's a gorgeous girl.. =) So she looked great in everything she bought... being typical girls, we got so caught up with shopping that we only left Parkway at 12pm.. and we were supposed to meet at 12.30!! Wahaha. So we took a cab and arrived at VCH in total comfort. Oh, and get this, we actually arrived at the very same time as the other alumni people and the juniors! *smug*

Upon reaching VCH, we reunited ourselves with the juniors... OOH. and the little solo-singing mafia bunny of mine had the audacity to pinch the 10 bucks that Zaidah was giving to me. Got it back in the end though.. haah. I have such fun [and very naughty!!] juniors. Anyway, we ancient ones settled ourselves in the audience seats while the choir got ready on-stage to practise their abba musical. haha... I love the actions.. and I love the song, so I was totally having a great time. Ohh! We took photos too... in the seats... and everything was going fine and dandy-

Until Zaidah, Irene and I got recruited to protect the food. Which was absolutely baffling, I must admit. Why the food, you ask... well, being the nice, kind seniors that we are, we agreed and so proceeded to the lift lobby.. and discovered to our bemusement that all the packets of food had been opened and were laid out under the fans. It didn't seem very logical to me.. and I'm still wondering about that now. Although I do believe there was some crytic explanation about how the curry in the food would spoil if it was left covered or something like that. And I tell you... I was practically starving by this time.. since I had an earlier breakfast than the other two girls... and there before lay practically a hundred, fragrant and tantalizing packets of food.

[Playing on repeat mode- Greed is a deadly sin, Greed is a deadly sin....]

Anyway, the three of us promptly settled down on our bar stools and indulged in some idle chit chat. Ahh... we congratulated ourselves on landing such an easy task.. ha! Protect the food indeed... the food could jolly well look after itself--- wait. What's that little brown thing hopping at the corner... to our horror, we discovered that it was a fat little greedy sparrow on a mission to poach food! The audacity of the bird!! So I rushed towards the bird in a heroic bid to shoo it away. It flew sweetly to the top of a nearby pillar where it regarded us thoughtfully with a cock of its head.

After that, the three of us warily moved our table over to the corner where the bird had made its attack and kept a sharp look-out for the avarice-ridden avian. Of course, moments after we deserted the spot we had been sitting at, the sparrow dived down at the packets just inches away from it. This time, Irene played the heroine.. although I found it rather unjust that she only had to rise slightly from her seat to chase the bird away... whereas I had to practically leap onto the sparrow before it deemed to make its exit. Bloody bird... fancy taking advantage of a squirrel! Anyway, we got momentarily distracted by the chiming of piano keys from the closed door at the other end of the lobby.. so we got up for a snoop-around. It would have been a little spooky had it been at night.. but it was a bright and sunny afternoon... and we saw this caucasian guy tinkling with the piano keys. I had the hardest time detecting him, so we spent quite a bit of time peeping and prying in front of the door... and we turned back just in time to see Mr Yong appear out of the lift. Ahh... he caught us in mid-snoop.. that was a little embarassing.. but thankfully, his attention flew straight to the opened packets of food and he was like, "huh? How come you all put the food like that?" And we went, "we wouldn't know either..." hee.. close call.

After a few more scuffles with the sparrows, we were relieved by nelson and some other junior... bk i think... so we proceeded back to the concert hall where we spent a pleasant few minutes watching the choir practise their steps for the musical. Mr Kwei was rather mean though! He kept poking fun at some junior's actions... though, I must admit, the way he did it was rather funny though. Opps.. feel so mean... anyway, I can't really remember what happened after that... oh yes. We decided to go out to catch a quick dinner.. [after our little session of protecting the food, we didn't quite feel up to eating the packed dinner] Before we left, we decided to leave our sutff in one of the girls' dressing rooms.. so we dumped our stuff on the floor and set off in search of food.

We enjoyed a rather sinful meal at KFC and discussed American Idol.. yay~ My current favourite topic! But I was quite sad to find out that Carrie had won instead of Bo.. I mean, yes, I do love Carrie... but I somehow loved Bo more. haha. Still.. oh well, I guess she does deserve it. Anyway, it got rather cold, so we decided to leave... after walking around a bit at Funan, we proceeded back to VCH. OOhh... and we stopped for photos on the way! Darn, I so wish I had brought my camera. Anyway, there was this really cool "I WAS HERE" sculpture thingy outside the building opposite the concert hall.. so we decided to take some shots there.. we were making our way happily over.. Zaidah was even suggesting that one of us climb up onto one of the letters when suddenly-

"DON'T STEP ON THE GRASS!!!"

The obvious culprit was Zaidah.. who got a total shock and quickly retracted her foot. hhaaa... it's really kinda hilarious on hindsight.. after that, we imitated the paranoid grass-loving guard and kept reminding each other, "Don't step on the grass ah!!" Hmm... oh yes, a really nice indian security guard offered to be our photographer.. aww.. how sweet. Yay.. we've got cool shots... and after that, we got so psyched that we began to act like tourists.. and took a couple more photos.. hee.. so fun. I do find it funny though.. that I actually have more photos of other countries than I do of my own country... I must remedy that!! Oh yes, we spotted a hippo bus and got all excited about capturing it in the background.... when we discovered that the camera was off. So the bus whizzed past. *sadness*

We finally returned... and proceeded backstage to collect our stuff... Zaidah had to go to the ladies, so Irene and I opened the door to the dressing room and discovered to our shock that all the gowns, make-up and other stuff had disappeared!! And in their stead hung a suit jacket. A male suit jacket.

Mr Kwei's suit jacket.

The both of us were like... aaahhh shit!!! Our things were in the conducter's dressing room!!! So we quickly gathered everything and hysterically rushed out to the sofa where we burst out laughing. And at that precise moment, Mr Kwei appeared, smiled at us and entered his dressing room. MAN. Talk about a close call.. if he had arrived a few seconds earlier, he would have found us in there. Not a very pleasant thought. But a very funny one. Zaidah was absolutely horrified when she received the news and nearly threw a fit when she failed to see her paper bag which was strategically placed behind the sofa. haha!! Such craziness... I love it!!

And there was much more of that to come. ^^ yay~

hmmm... what happened after that... oh yes! We proceeded to the toilets on the first level to get into our gowns and make up.... urgh. The gown looked absolutely horrible on me... anyway, I got changed in record time and was congratulating myself on my effieciency. Then I heard Grace's disembodied voice coming out from one of the cubicles complaining about the stockings... and then I remembered- Oh heck. I had forgotten to put on the stockings. Oh, the girls had great fun in laughing at me. Stupid stockings... they look awful and feel awful. Anyway, I eventually proceeded on to make-up and managed to badger Zaidah into helping me apply some mascara. Upon which I blinked and got a lovely black line across my lower lid. Hey, it actually looked good can...sorta like I had applied eye liner or something. It had to come off though... thankfully, after that the make-up was completed without any other freak accidents. And I managed to get away without wearing too red a lippy... heh heh heh~~*

The concert then began!!! Grace, Zaidah, Irene and I rushed out to the television screen outside the hall to watch our darling juniors... TK choir [our guest choir for the night] was sitting there quietly.. awaiting their turn. We were joined by Mr Yong... and Grace began to chat with him!! And somehow, the conversation got drawn towards the topic of pokemon. Oh, I think I remember how it began-

Grace to us - "I saw that lickeytongue thing.. very cute"

Mr Yong cutting in - "Orh.. that pink pokemon ah."

We all turned to him. "You like pokemon?"

Mr Yong [enthusiastically] - "Of course!"

Goodness. Who would have thought that of Mr Yong?? And to top it off, after dissolving into utter laughter at Grace's imitation of her friend's pikachu alarm clock... he actually recovered enough to do a little dance while going, "Pikachu! Pikachu!"

OOOOOHHHH MYYYY GOOOOSSSHHHH.

I tell you.. the five of us, including him, burst out into barely suppressed laughter... and at the very same time, the TK teachers were admonishing them for whispering a little. And there we were laughing. But it was okay... i Mean... the conducter was laughing the loudest of all la. Oh my goodness... after that, we were like, "later on stage, you better not do any action that remotely resembles that little pikachu dance of yours.. otherwise we'll burst out laughing right there and then."

All in all though, I thought it was actually really nice.. having that little conversation with Mr Yong. There was a point where Grace was describing about how her friends nearly killed her while on an overseas choral trip when she burst into the room early in the morning screaming in excitement, "Dove!! Dove!!" At the exact same moment, Mr Yong and I said the exact same thing-

"If it was me, I would have killed you too."

And I was- kinda shocked. Fancy me agreeing with Mr Yong!! I mean, it's no secret to anyone who reads my blog that I don't exactly have a super opinion of Mr Yong... but I must admit, he does seem rather nice now that I've seen the other side of him. Soo... yah. That's a good thing.

Hmmm.... and then we went on-stage for the female chorus!! And you know what Mr Yong did before the second song... he did some flying motion with his hands.. and the four of us.. and even him, i think... had difficulty in controlling our laughter. Hmph!! I shall always see him as pikachu now... pika-yong... hahaa.. *ahem* Anyway, I got to stand beside Zheng Jie... yay~ She's so sweet... I was telling her back-stage, "after 2 years, we can sing together again!" and she grabbed my hand and went, "yay!!" ^^ I love my juniors. The songs went well... I've soo missed singing with a choir... oh yes, the warm-up before the concert was particularly memorable too... I finally managed to hit a B! yay-ness.

It was over all too soon... and the intermission began. There was a mad scuffle as the juniors rushed to get changed into their abba costumes and we seniors attempted to hug them and get changed into our normal clothes in the dressing room without revealing too much of ourself. And then Nga Chi, Sumi and Duan Hui came backstage!! Despite our happiness in seeing them, they were quickly shooed out again as the whole back stage was practically in pandemonium.. juniors running everywhere... hairspray in the air... ^^ Yes, I've missed that pandemonium.

We eventually managed to rush out and grabbed seats next to Nooch, Sumi and Duan Hui before the intermission ended... and got ready to cheer our lungs out for our beloved juniors. And they deserved it. The year 2 chorus brought us on a trip down memory lane with "Blue Moon"... we were like singing along in the audience.. the chamber ensemble was brilliant... I especially enjoyed their rendition of "Short People"... okay. I hate that song... but they were sooo cute. Xiang Rong even had this tall top hat to make himslf taller... sooo funny. Zaidah and I went totally crazy screaming and cheering and clapping for them.

I managed to have a little bit of rest when TK went up to perform.. I liked their second song... especially with that conga bit... haha... it soo reminds me of that time when I was in sec 4.. and I sang Luo Spiritual together with my darling anglican choir... =) Such wonderful memories... And then my absolute favourite part of the concert began. The abba musical!! Zaidah and I kept smiling at the juniors... mouthing and singing along with them... I loved how we managed to catch the eyes of some of them and that they actually smiled back... we cheered and clapped soo sooo hard after each song... and it was lovely to see them enjoy themselves so much. Yah... so my hands were swollen and red by the end of the concert... but it was worth it. Back then, when I was still in the choir, my favourite part of it was receiving the applause at the end... now that I'm sitting as the audience... my favourite bit is being part of that applause. ^^ I'm just sorry that I couldn't join them for the celebration buffet yesterday.

And so the concert was over.... but the fun didn't end there! Met up with Keng Foo after that... and I got roses from both him and sumi+duan hui+nooch. yay~* Zaidah got my ivory rose though... not fair!! hhaa... but that's okay la. Ohh... met rayner too... and we all took photos together!! It was so cute... we were like... just calling anyone at random... "come! come! take photo, take photo!!" And the juniors were giving out bottles of Newater!! haha... I thought that was friggin' cute. Hmm... we finally made our way downstairs... and waited for AGES while zaidah took photos and caught up with her TK juniors. ARGH. Getting her to move was like getting a herd of hippos to dance a ballet. Eventually, we did begin the journey home.. and by then, only Keng Foo, Nooch, Zaidah and me were left. OH my gosh... Zaidah and I were so totally high the whole way.. and we kept cackling... I think Nooch and Kf were quite shocked.. haha. I just love my post-concert highs!

And then we spotted the moon!! It was golden!! Sooo pretty... so guess what we did? Zaidah and I ran across the road and posed for photos, getting Kf to be our camera man. We ran back.. and Zaidah pulled Kf over... I took the photo this time... and they were striking poses. So i was like, that's soo cool!! I want to take that kinda photo too!! So i dragged nga chi over while Zaidah ran back and took the photo for us.. haaha... had so much fun posing with the flowers.. the rose between our teeth... the bouquets in our hands.. posing with a flying kiss... hahaa~~~ So totally fun.

Chatted a lot more on the MRT ride home... and then it was time to part... Zaidah got off at Eunos for a late-night supper with her mother and sister... nga chi and I left kf at tampines... then nga chi and I parted at the interchange. =( Still.. i saw quite an endearing sight on the bus.. there were these two big guys... and in Zaidah's terms, they'd actually be the kinda "real men"... [LOL].. and one of them had a baby on his lap. And the two of them... were cooing to the baby... singing to it.. tickling it.. and i thought that was soo endearing. Haha.. for some reason, I just love seeing big men dissolving at the sight of babies. *smiles*

And that was a nice end to a totally gorgeous day.

There IS More To Life!

2005-05-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

Hello again!

I’m happy... and really, I don't need to even give myself or anyone else any reasons why... because I just am. With that also comes other happy and cheerful people to brighten up your life even more.

Well, first things first. Watched the last episode of Survivor and the reunion. I am actually glad that Tom won. He's just a better player, been slogging his bottom off and played the game with a whole lot more integrity and sportsmanship. Kathy, right to the end, was being manipulative and even tried to put Tom's efforts down by telling the jury that he's athletic and so has a better chance at winning immunity challenges and she isn’t yada yada yada... I mean, get a life already! And Tom did not even resort to such tricks. Ok, back to more worthy things to talk about- one of which, or whom, being Ian, the dolphin trainer, one of the last 3 survivors. At the eleventh hour, literally, because the challenge went on for over eleven hours!, Ian decided to strike a deal with Tom. He told Tom that if he backed down at the challenge, giving Tom the power of immunity, then Tom will have to take Kathy to the top 2 positions with him, therefore, totally eradicating his (Ian's) chance at the million dollars. I disliked him at first. He told lies after lies, to Kathy and Tom, especially when he was trying to get himself out of the fix after Tom found out that he actually wanted to vote Tom off. He was conniving and downright treacherous, although he appeared quite harmless. I suppose at the end his conscience got the better of him and he decided to let the other two, who were both his friends and allies in the game, advance to the end. He said that he valued friendship more than anything else in the game. I thought such a move was kind of ridiculous, after eleven hours, and he was giving up a position which could have been his to someone who wasn't even, in my opinion, worthy such. But hey, he did say that his friends meant more to him, so what rights do I have to dispute his claim or action? Here, once again, we an example of someone who would give money up for something bigger, like the principles they hold and human ties, among other things. Rings a bell? Yes, Ian's kinda like Uchenna and Joyce from The Amazing Race.

Some other more touching things/scenes from the reunion. Coby, some would say the effeminate hairdresser... yes, he's annoying but when I heard his story, I so felt for him. In school he was always mocked upon and was pushed aside. People called him a girl and so on. He even quit school because he could not carry on being there. At one of the challenges, contestants had to wrestle each other, and Coby wasn’t an exception. At that challenge he managed to push the opponent off the ring, into the water, making his the winner for his round. That did a lot to him, in terms of his confidence, pride and I suppose, more than anything, it was a cure and closure to his checkered past. What was touching was the fact that he adopted a baby girl, I cant remember if it was insisted by someone or that he really wanted to do that, for himself I suppose, yeah. After showing the photo of his baby girl, he announced to everyone that he named the baby Janu, after one of the contestants. I thought that was soooo sweet. It is evident that people do value human relationships, and that's very heartening to know.

Another heartwarming part was also how the contestants, through the show got a chance to be a part of a group. People like Coby and another younger contestant, the one with tattoos and piercing, who weren't exactly accepted by people around them and society got to experience something they couldn't really do before and possibly have craved a lot of their lives. So, Survivor has provided life-changing experiences for those who were in it. Some contestants have said that they have learnt not to take their loved ones for granted. One survivor said that he now goes hotdog roasting and fishing more often with his kids. The little things matter don't they? I have always believed that. Sometimes they mater even more.

I never knew reality TV shows could provide such life lessons. I was from the other camp. I thought that such shows are just exploiting people’s dignity, vulnerability etc etc just to raise television ratings. Have never been a fan but now I'm taking an interest to them, usually when they are ending cos that’s when the fun comes in ; ). So, what's next? American Idol. It's now down to 3 contestants, and I like them all. I cant choose.

One of those bubbly, happy, cheerful ppl I mentioned about way earlier is Grace.
We went to meet Irene at Parkway because I had to pass her some choir scores and then Grace messaged me telling me about some stuff and that she had lost her scores. So I met Grace first. Went to her house to zap them and ended up staying at her house longer than expected to read some of her stuff and talk. We then rushed to meet Irene and then went window shopping. Grace wanted to have ice cream, and both of us are having the flu, not that bad but we have phlegm. I paid for ice cream first because Grace was busy making calls. We were enjoying and chatting over our Andersen's when suddenly Grace suggested going to Swensen’s to have a snack. That crazy girl! Before we met each other we both had dinner and then it was ice cream. She was so excited that I had to run after her al the way to Swensen's, at the risk of having my jeans fall below the comfortable and decent position. Since she still insisted on eating I suggested Calamari rings or something that falls under the snacks category. Lo and behold, she proudly announces that she wants fish and chips! I was shocked. We both laughed hard before we decided that we would eat something there. We shared the meal cos I don't think any of us could have eaten a meal on our own. We met Liyana, and the three of us just talked and talked and talked. Grace decided that she will pay for the meal since I paid for ice-cream.

Grace and I found out that we have more in common than we thought- like how both of us like vanilla ice cream, we both wanted caramel topping, and no whip cream, and we both like the same kinds of skirts, those flair ones, just in different shades. She's more the pastel girl, while I like louder colours... haha. Oh, and we both like Zara, especially the skirts. We made a pact that we will have to go shopping together, and kinda made plans... haha.

Went back to school after being on break for almost 2 weeks, 2 working days in 2 weeks, and decided I cannot adjust to the scene anymore. I hate the work, I can't stand the kids and the noise is driving me nuts. I don't wanna scream, my concert is coming. I actually asked myself, how in the world did I survive 3 months doing what I did?

In one class the clock fell and shattered into pieces. The students were very cute though. They put the clock on the teacher's table and someone had a small bunch of paper flowers and put it on top of the clock. I thought that was so cute and I just laughed. After a while I realized that there was a tin at the other side of the table... and this was hilarious too. A paper was taped to the tin saying: Clock Fund. Not too long after I came in, an English teacher came in and went through their English paper with them. Many of them were upset cos they didn't do too well. After the teacher left I took the liberty to tell them that it’s ok not to have done well now. It's only the mid-years and they have a lot of room for improvement. I then asked them to donate generously to the clock fund after the tragic incident involving their class clock.

I looked outside the window while in that same class and I saw many many moths, the students refuted that and said they were butterflies, ok, so moths or butterflies they were fluttering among the trees in the park opposite the school and the sight was beautiful! There were hundreds of them all over the trees. Maybe it was the “season” or time for the butterflies to come out of their cocoons or something. It would have been nicer if we had mellower weather, lighter coloured leaves, better scenery rather than those tall buildings in the background... ok, I’m biased, thinking of a scene in a foreign country or something..oh whatever Zaidah!

Well, one thing's for sure, there is more to life. And I'm glad I know.

18 May 2005

David’s coming down from Canada tomorrow. Didn’t meet up with Regina today so we will just have to do whatever needs to be done tomorrow. The kid next door came over today. I miss him! He’s so cute. Oh, today he was wondering all over the place but today’s attraction was the kitchen. He kept playing with the vacuum cleaner. Hmmm…guess it doesn’t frighten him anymore. Used to cry whenever it was being used near him. He was tugging hard at it as if saying…haha…I am not afraid of you anymore! This is revenge! And revenge is sooo sweet! Haha…I’m evil, and David will agree. He is to go shopping with me and Regina and he will carry all our bags. Hope his legs can last him the whole day. He had been warned…hehe.

I’m getting a kick of singing my 2 concert pieces. Memorising the words is hard but I like the songs. Some of my students told me today that they passed their Geog exams. I’m glad for them, and some did really well! I’m just really proud of them. Soe didn’t do too well but like I told the other class, there’s room for improvement. One even smsed me to thank me. Told me she improved but didn’t do well. No prizes for guessing what I told her.

Oh, there was a scary incident in school. I was in a class when suddenly bees were swarming outside the windows. Students were frantically trying to shut the windows. Some idiots tried to open them, and everyone was barred from going near the windows. The bees eventually went back to their hive, which was inside a corner in or beside the air conditioning system.
I cant really remember what else I wanted to write, oh, beside the fact I got a scare- thought I received rejection letters from unis but they were not. Well, one thing I knew I wanted to include- the moths or butterflies have entered the school! Have a good week and life ahead people! Take care and GOD bless!

Ex Malay Tksian BBq- 14 May 2005

2005-05-15T08:11:00.000-07:00

I'm happy! I just had a great time at the bbq for ex-Tk Malay students. It was organized by a whole bunch of boys who are on their Poly break. When I first got the sms from Netty, written by Nabil, I thought, just what is going on? The sms said that there will be a bbq held for ex TK students. I was wary since the beginning. I passed the message along anyway and asked Netty if she was going. After some discussion with some friends I decided to get Nabil's number and ask him myself. I did and almost got peeved at first, but since Nabil was all nice about it, I let things pass. He told me that the bbq is organized by a group of boys and gave me a string of names, many of which were familiar, but I don't know these boys! He even told me not to worry about the "cash" and that I should just come down and have fun. Somehow, that just sounded good. Maybe he just sounded really sincere, which he was. Netty then told me that the bbq was only for the Malay students from our batch. I really wanted to get Aaron, especially, and Jie Kai and all to come but hey, it's not my event. If it was, I'll probably invite everyone and anyone! Haha!
I wasn't keen on going at all- I mean, come on, it's organized by the boys, for the Malay students (and just how many do I know besides those from my class? And I don't even mix around with the Malay students much...don't ask why) and at the back of my headI'm thinking, this is all a big joke. I so wasn't into the idea of going to an event that was paid solely by the boys. I mean, I don't exactly have a habit of taking anything from guys, call it ego, whatever, and these boys and I never really did get along (We probably even hated each other, and maybe a lot) and now I was to have fun at their expense? No way!Those who know about the guy who tried to pay the cab fare for me and my girls would know what I'm talking about. I am capable of paying for my own things.

So there. Never in a million years would I ever have turned up at such an event or even think about going...but I went! I admit that the insistences of my friends were the biggest factor that made me go and I also felt that it was better to accompany them girls just in case something were to happen. As you can tell by now I didn't exacty trust the guys very much. When I saw the girls who were waiting for one another either at Pasir Ris interchangeor the mrt station I somehow started to have a good feeling about the whole thing. More people came and I met up with my girls- Shaidah, Syahirah, Herma and Afridah (who was lateand made us all wait for her...then again, I'm always doing that...oops!) Before long, actually I suspect it already happened on my way to the interchange, I just started feeling really good that I was going to this event.

We found the pit and when we arrived most of us were kinda reluctant to just immerse with the small crowd that was already there, mostly guys, maybe all were guys, I can't remember.Nabil asked us all to come join in, to sit, to eat what was available, make ourselves comfortable and the guys will try to get the food barbecued as fast as possible so we could all eat. First thoughts: Huh? Did he just say that? Did Nabil just try to accommodate us and was actually being really nice? I so wasn't prepared for all that, especially have guys being nice to me. They never were in secondary school anyway. So, Afridah began scooping food for us and I asked Nabil if he put anything inside the food. I was being very serious by the way. He laughed and said of course not. I said some other stuff to him, before and after that question. He just laughed and was being all nice about it, I almost couldn't be mean to him...actually, I couldn't! Throughout the day he just told me a few times that I was trying to push his buttons and that he was going to throw me intothe sea. (Hah! We'll see who carries who! Lol!)

On of my fondest memories of the bbq is that I actually talked to some of the guys, guys who were with me for four years in school but I never talked to. That however was because Netty was there and she being the ever-friendly one just talked to everyone. I too began talking to the guys. I am...shocked, amazed, surprised?, among other feelings, at how nice they were. I am almost certain that they were not always like that and that it wasn't because I didn't bother mixing around or try to be their friends that I never saw that side to them. I suppose they grew up...and yes, that age old "conclusion": people change. I had fun talking to them. And, i actually got excited about having made guy friends, and Malay guy friends, which I don't have many.For the record, Chewy/ Chee Wee (I'm not sure what her real name is cos that's what we all call her) was there, and so was Janar. So for those of you who think that the bbq was an entirely racist thing, no it was not. The guys probably thought it was easier to organize such things since we all went through similar things together, like the teachers and Malay-related events that kinda got us together in school sometimes therefore we possibly all know each other better and stuff like that. Nowthat I think about it, it's like being in school overseas and joining a Singapore student support group or activities club. Something like that. Chee Wee and Janar have always beenclose to the Malay "clan(s)" anyway.

Anywho, Netty and I thought that it was really sweet of the guys to have arranged such an event. Firstly, it gave us a chance to meet up with friends we probably wouldn't meet up with or get the chance to if the bbq wasn't organized. Secondly, from my point of view, and a few other people, for a group of guys to organize such things, when we didn't think they were capable or that they would even think of such, just makes it all the more sweeter! Thanks for the good time everyone! And to the guys, we had fun, thanks a bunch! The party was swell! Can't wait for the next one...haha...and Nabil, I want the scanned version of the plate we wrote on!
Another thing about the day that...made me feel nostalgic, comforted, tugged at my heartstrings, gave me a sense of familiarity etc etc was how the course of the day ran. Morning, choir practice, then had lunch with friends- Jasmine, Grace, Fei Mao (Shi Yun), Marie, Zofia and Jeffary and then walked around some more, and then in the evening met up with another group of friends and just hang out. Reminded me of how things used to be when I was back in school, how Saturday mornings will be taken up by choir practice and all plans like meeting up with friends, hanging out, shopping will just have to be done after that, and can sometimes end quite late. I miss being in school. I miss my friends, being in the school environment as a student, having to worry only about results or homework that needs to be done before the teacher gets to class or what to do or eat during breaks, stuff like that. I told Fei Mao and Jeffary that I don't even remember how doing homework feels like etc and they didn't agree with me...sorry you two! I just miss everything. And the bbq also made me realize how much I miss Tk. For the longest time I just missed college. I was especially glad that I met Netty there and we were just chattingand laughing out loud and having so much fun! The last time we hung out was at my birthdayparty when we were in Year 1 of college! I love you girl! I can't wait to be back in school, hopefully soon!

(It poured real hard while the girls and me were on our way back from the bbq…I hope everyone got back safely and in one piece…haha…and hope those who were still at the bbq were alright.)

I read a friend's blog and found out that she agreed with me on something- that the time the two of us and another friend spent talking in the room was the best thing that happened at another party that we attended. I'm glad she thought so, especially since I was so in the wrong mood and frame of mind for that party.

Oh, found out that my cousin got into NTU. Well done, Ira! I am so proud of you! In fact, she did so well for her Poly exams that she came out that 5% of the entire cohort that theuniversity offered her a 3-year course instead of a 4-year one. That means that the momentshe enters uni, she'll be advanced into Year 2 of the course! Goodness, she must be a genius! Hmmm…you were the dark horse all along weren't you? Hopefully I can join you there. Keep praying for me everyone! And thanks in advance!

So, that's, as mentioned in the previous entry, the story so far. And Elroy, you're so nice. Thanks, for just being you, for rubbing your positivity on me, for being there for me, for caring, for everything, from the bottom of my heart.
In fact, thanks to all my friends! I love every single one of you! Remember, true friends are always in the heart and soul, even when they are apart! Even though we don't meet up or talk always, or anymore, I still think of you lot.

Till then, fellow traveler( Why travelers? Cos we are all on the journey of life and self-discovery.) Take care and GOD bless! Have fun!

The Story So Far

2005-05-13T00:46:00.000-07:00

*Smiles*

Just when you think everything will just go on monotonous, even though you've got a littleof your spirit back up, after so long being down in the dumpster, something comes along your path and tells you otherwise.

Watched The Amazing Race, which just ended. Right from the start I knew I wasn't going to be rooting for Rob and Amber, because firstly, the arrogance they've been exuding, I only saw that on the advertisements (or trailers) for the show and yes, those are enough, just puts me off. They are not exactly very nice people, not that I've seen anyway. And hey, they have got a million bucks from another reality Tv show already; they don't need another.So, my money, not literally, were on the other 2 couples.

One of the two couples weren't exactly my kind of couple. I don't remember their names but one was an ex-Prisoner of War and the lady is a Pageant Queen. I seriously think the lady should go get herself someone who will love her better and is more worthy of herself. She is beautiful, smart and such a good person...the guy should count himself lucky just knowing her, but no, she actually loves him and he doesn't exactly feel the same way! She was verystrong and portrayed such intelligence and strength throughout the race that I think every woman should be proud of. She was being hurt, emotionally, but she pulled herself together and finished the race. Kudos to her!

Ok, the couple that deserved the million dollars and my respect and admiration and a whole lot of other things- Uchenna and Joyce. They are a married couple, and comparing them to other couples, not that I've seen all considering that fact that I only watched two episodesof this season's edition of the show, they were just real, no facades whatsoever and they were just the nicest people. The entire time they were just so supportive of each other, ok so maybe Amber and Rob were that too, and the love they had for each other just shone through, through every obstacles they encountered and every other thing that came in between.

I also thought at the end of the show that there is still hope for the world, because nice people like Uchenna and Joyce exist! These two, can you believe it, risked a million dollars just to get money to pay the cab driver for the ride! They could have just told him to wait while they finished the race and then get some money to pay him, but no, they began asking, or begging as they called it, for money to pay the driver before they ran all the way to the finish line. I don't know anyone, maybe not a lot, of people who would do that. The driver was unhappy that they didn't have enough money to pay him so they wanted to make sure that his "fees" were covered before they went on to receive their glory. I cant even begin to express the kind of respect and admiration I have for the 2 of them. (This could partly be the results of the fragmented thoughts in my head right now)

For those of you who watched the final show you would know that Uchenna and Joyce probably were not the "favourites" to win seeing that they didn't have anything with them after coming in last at one checkpoint and had their things and money taken away and that they were so lagging behind the other 2 teams because they were almost immobilised. They couldn't get anywhere because they had no money. GOD bless the soul of the kind man who gave them a lift to the airport so they could beg for money from the people there. I did wonder why in the world didn't they just ask that man to send them to their destination. However, now that I think about it, they probably had a long-term plan going on and that kinda makes sense because they possibly thought that they cant bother that nice man for the rest of their journey, see how nice they are, and they would need money to get around. I don't think most of you could picture how far behind they were from the other teams so ifyou can, catch the last episode of the race on cable or something. I love the twist near the end where they actually got on the same flight as Amber and Rob after the gates were closed. The pilot actually agreed to open up the gates to let the 2 of them in.

I suppose what touched me most was how Uchenna and Joyce kept the faith amidst the adversities they faced. The entire time it just seemed as if the odds were against them but they believed, they believed that things would work out, if not that they were going to make it. They didn't give up, even though that was probably the easiest thing to do. They knew that GOD was watching over them and that things were going to be fine.At the end of the race, when they were told that they were the first team to arrive, making them the winners of the race, Joyce told the other teams who were waiting for the final 3 teams to end the race that while she was praying she heard the prayers the other teams made for them. I was possibly already trying very hard to hold back the tears at that moment. The power of faith. The power of GOD! GOD's light surpasses any darkness. That I believe, and my faith have been strengthened. And GOD bless Uchenna and Joyce, and those kind souls who helped them. I hope the two of you stay in love for always and good luck with your plans on having kids. And thank you for enhancing my life, and reality television!

I have to admit, hearing such things when one is on the journey to recovery is very heartening and, for me, something emotional. I've probably have been having self-doubt for the longest time and having gone through the A levels and not doing well certainly have not made me any better. I reckon the exams (and the horrible things that happened along the way) and results have possible aggravated, if not triggered, this "self-destruction". I am however proud to say that I am recovering. I know for most of you reading this now you probably could never tell that I've been going through...the motions? Those closer to me know that the older Zaidah hasn't made frequent appearances in front of them but hey, take heart people...the princess is coming back!

To a certain teacher out there, who kinda became my friend even though we hardly know each other, thanks for reminding me that having self-doubts is just a part of being human and for making me realize that I can't run away from the truth just by telling myself things to cover up the pain and disappointment. You were never my teacher but you taught me some very valuable lessons.

Dear GOD, I know I haven't exactly been good (that's the best word I can come up with rightnow) but I know You are at work in my life. Even during those times when I feel distanced from You, deep inside I know that You are watching over me and loving me. Thank You for every single blessing You have showered upon me. Please come into my heart and stay by my side. Please lead me to Your Love and Heavens and guide me every single day of my life. I love You. Love me.

*Written on 12 May 2005, after The Amazing Race

sobs

2005-03-23T06:44:00.000-08:00

*Sobs*

Pu Zhexiong died. I can’t even begin to express my grief. Yes, that was the last episode of "Glass Shoes", and no, the happy ending I sought from it didn’t exactly materialize. What can I say? I really am saddened by the ending. Zhexiong died while trying to save Shanyu. He didn't even get to hear her tell him that she loves him.

That was one guy who never gave up on his love and even died for it. It made me think back on some of the "principles", if they can even be called that, or maybe the "holds" in my life- the things, thoughts, philosophies etc etc I held or maybe made up and held on to in my life (and this is one thought that isn’t new to me because I've thought about it a long time ago and for a long time it hasn't been back to "bug" me, or my head... ok, I realize that I might not make a lot of sense but is this my blog or is this my blog? So there! Yes, a part of me knows that true love surpasses anything and yes, lovers do not mind giving up their lives for their loved ones but honestly, as much as I think that is such a noble thing to do and sometimes I think (however stupid) that is an essential part of this thing called love because the other person is your "everything", I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with myself if anyone did that for me. I am serious! I mean, let’s say I love someone, and yes, this time I am referring to a guy, and he is my heart and possibly my life... oh, what am I saying, he is my life... and say the same scenario in "Glass Shoes" happens to me, this guy tries to rescue me from the clutches of some hooligans who has kidnapped me (yeah Zaidah, who can actually do that? No, no one has exactly had the courage to tell me that in the face yet, that's something I tell myself) and gets killed in the process... can someone tell me how I can go on with my life? I don’t know how. The person I love is gone forever. I won't have him around anymore. I know this sounds really pessimistic, I don't even think that's an appropriate word but I really can't think of another right now so that will just have to suffice, and sound so unlike me, but I think that unless something like that happens to one, one will not be able to feel what someone who has gone through such a tragedy is feeling, let alone comprehend the devastation.

I could go on and on about this one but above everything I just wanna say, to whoever it may concern, don't die for me. I was going to add "let me die for you" and then I realized that that person will be going through the same things I have been talking about. Dead end. Sometimes I really feel that the whole thing will love is just screwed or flawed, but then I get reminded that GOD is love so my notions of the whole thing must be the ones that are misguided. I just know that there are so much more I need to learn, my life lessons and that one day I will understand why things happen the way they do, hopefully. I will just have to wait to receive these lessons, which will take place in perfect sequence, with or without me realising that they are taking place.

Not too long ago I made a decision, though right so much more have happened that I don’t even remember what the decisions or decisions were, that was fueled by my fear of losing someone. I knew for a fact that that fear will eventually lead to the result I least desired but I decided to just go with what my head told me, and now I’m not sure what exactly happened or if it happened because of that fear, but yes, right now I am kinda certain I have lost that person. Maybe one day we might reconcile but right now I am just moving on. (And people, people, don’t start getting ideas about who this person is. Trust me, you don’t know)

The only person who truly got happiness form the show was probably Yanhong who got to marry Ruijun. Okok, that was a deliberate attempt to elude the other "blessings" the other characters got. Well, Shanyu got reunited with Taixi after 16 years of being apart. In the end, the 2 sisters went back to the river where their father's ashes were scattered, one of the most emotional moments for me, and they called out for their dad to tell him that they have found each other and have come to visit him, together. Shanyu's character, besides being the most endearing, also portrays resilience and humanity that I haven't exactly seen in any character anywhere before. I guess being contented with what one has is really happiness at its best, besides knowing that GOD loves you. Fretting and fusing over what one doesn't have or what could have happened really just saps one of energy and paves the way for negative feelings and thoughts to take over one's mind.

I had an avalanche of thoughts to include in this post but I think now that my own feelings and nerves have been a little assuaged, it's been more than an hour since the show ended and it's officially 2am right now and I am getting pretty tired, I guess what I don't include don't really matter. If they do come back to me then I'll know that those thoughts and feelings do mean something to me, more than I think they do, so I might include them in my other posts.

Right now I'm sure some of you are experiencing some sort of a culture shock getting the insights of the things I think about and all. Not just that, the way I think, how I confuse myself and get everything mixed up and then derive at a conclusion and then decide that no, that's not how things should be, and then think that I was right before and then totally adopt the opposite viewpoint and then decide nothing was ever wrong etc etc etc must have added to your confusion. "Huh? What are you talking about?" Well, what can I say? Welcome to my life. That's how I think and that's how things will be. Don't like it? Leave. And no, Simple Plan ain't the only people who can say that. Don't get me wrong, I love them.

For those who think that you are smart enough and will possibly be leaving stupidity-charged comments for me, you know, about the things I have just said especially in the earlier paragraphs, totally missing my points, all I can say to you lesser people is, in advance because I won’t bother myself with replying to you, shame on you!

And so, I have just decided again that despite the more-tragedy-than-happy-ending ending to "Glass Shoes" I will still not rule out the option of getting the VCDs to the show. I just hate that they don’t have English subtitles but I don’t quite care because I can try to make out what they are trying to say through other ways. Haha... and not too long ago I was telling myself that I will not get them. Ah, just one of the joys of being a woman... you can be fickle and no one can blame you for it. Social stigmas can work in our favour girls, provided we are smart enough to draw circles around them so they won’t rule over us instead. : )

Even right now I still know there are people reading this going "what the hell is she talking about?" Don’t understand? Don’t matter.

To end off this post, as if it isn't long enough, I would just like to say that if I ever find someone I just know that there is a great possibility that I will ask him, "Will you die for me?" I know that the answer I get might disappoint me and that to make judgments or decisions from that one question might be unfair but if I don't try I'll never know, and then we'll see what happens from there. I was even thinking, maybe I'll just hit the registrar once I find someone who gives me a satisfactory answer, which is stupid. Thinking about it, I can't believe how many years have passed since I came up with the answer to that question, and it still hasn't changed! I've always thought I grew up too fast. Fancy thinking about such things when I should have been bothered with TV, exams, school- the works!

I still believe that nothing is impossible, especially with GOD by your side. I don't know what will happen in the future but I hope that I will be able to embrace everything that comes my way and keep my faith, and my head!

Lotsa love,
Princess Zaidah

Hello again!

2005-03-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

Hello! I'm at a friend's place..which is why I can blog in the first place, cos that stupid comp at home just refuses to let me do so!

OK, firstly, I am upset right now cos roughly 10 seconds ago something awful happened...I broke my wedding band! I am extremely sad right now..........I loved that ring to bits! I don't know if I'll ever get a new one! *Sobs*

So, what have I been up to? Have been teaching in DSS for about a month, term of service was supposed to have ended last Friday but they called me this morning, at abt 7.30am and told me I had to be in school before 8am!, so I went. Today was baby-sitting day. No classes to teach so just sat in classes with no teachers. I was really heartened by something that happened today. I sat in a D&T class, and that class was surprisingly well-behaved and kinda amusing, the boys!, and I casually read my Best-Loved Poems book. A boy then asked me if he could borrow my book. At first I told him no and after that told him that if he wanted to read it he had to sit by my table. He refused and then a girl asked me that same thing and she took her stool and sat beside me. I thought that she'll just have a glimpse and then give it back to me...but lo and behold, she sat there for the longest time and I had nothing to read. Not that I'm really complaining but honestly, such things don't happen to often, not with the kids I have been with anyway, and no, I'm not insinuating anything. I then asked her if she liked poetry and she said did, especially love poems. Asked if she writes and was told she used to do so when she was younger. No prizes for guessing what I did next. Yes, I tore a page from my notebook and told her to write something. Not only did she write something, she wrote a few things. That boy I mentioned earlier finally came to my table and started reading my book. He asked me for a piece of paper and started copying the poems he was reading. When asked why he did that he said they were for notes (No, they don't have Lit at Upper Sec level in the school). I think he just liked what he saw, after the exasperated "huh...you sure this is poems...so chim" I got from him at first. He too was made to write something, by yours truly, and he did, yup, after all the "I can't write-s" from him. And those two sweet things, they gave their poems to me! I was so....touched! I asked if they were for me and they said yes....really, I was surprised how good they were. I really was! I think it's a big shame that the school doesn't offer Lit at Upper Sec for people who are really interested like them. Having not taken Lit at Upper Sec myself I still think that every school should offer Lit to their students, at all levels! Anyways, i told them that they should go to college and take Lit up. They're from the Normal Academic stream so I don't think they thought that I made a lot of sense talking to them about college and all...but hey, nothing is impossible! Oh, there was something which the girl student wrote that really got to me, not only was it nice and impressive, it was kinda inspirational...and one of those intelligent things that just attracts me. I don't quite remember it right now...might get my friend to post it for me instead!

Relief-ed one of my Sec 1 classes for D&T as well and continued talking to one of the students about some of the things we began talking about the week before. Was shocked and yet I really feel for the boy...he has done things I doubt many of us would think someone his age would have done. All and all I just hope I gave him an avenue to voice his opinions, to tell someone his feelings and thoughts, instead of letting all the anger bulid up inside of him and take over himself. There was another boy with him as well, who also am having problems coping, with himself, with life etc. I hope that if it was anything at all that my time spent talking to them will really imbue in them that firstly, they are not alone, GOD loves them, and that their lives are worth living, they can make a change for the better and lead more fulfilling lives.

My dear friend Shaidah is having difficulties studying now, hope it's not because I'm here. Oh, have been chatting online with Yanyi as well, who is now studing in Adelaide and not liking things very much over there. Hang on girlfriend..things will get better, and yes, we'll always be here for you! Can't wait to hang out with you when you get back in July! Hang in there!

My Meridian babes, I miss ya! Loads! I miss going to school and sitting in lectures and hanging out with my girls, and occassionally I have the boys around as well, during the breaks. I miss laughing loudly outside the library, at the STUDY benches, yes, the study benches. I still remember Mr Raku coming out of the library, and I so thought he was gonna scream at us because the people in the library were clearly annoyed and yes we were vv loud, we couldn't help it, we were having soooo much fun....but he came out and happily told us, "What happy children!" Not only were we amused, we laughed even harder at the jokes told after that!

To all my friends, yes, even to those I haven't exactly been in touch with, I MISS YOU ALL!!! I REALLY DO! I hope to meet up or chat with every single one of you soon! To my juniors, i miss you kids! To my friends in the army, you boys take care okay! Hmmmm...should I be addressing you as men now? I wonder! ; ) And Elroy and Adrian, stop gossiping about me already! LOL!

Alrighty, gotta go home! My "Glass Shoes" have started!

I hope to be back real soon. Take care everyone and GOD bless! Muack!

Lotsa love,
Princess Zaidah

To the victims of the Tsunami attacks- You are loved and remembered!

2005-01-03T06:22:00.000-08:00

I wrote this a few days ago but cudn’t post it at my blog cos’ it’s been giving me problems but below was what I wrote. Firstly, a very happy 2005 to one and all and I hope the new year brings more love and happiness you way. Secondly, in our joy and celebrations I hope that we do not forget our fellow friends who are not as fortunate as us and whose new year was spent in panic, grief and uncertainty. Let us all pray for them and do whatever we can to help them live on.

I am deeply saddened by the recent tsunami attacks that have, at present, left about 150,000 dead and many more injured and displaced. I find it a little hard to be happy, you know, with the arrival of the new year, meaning a new start and all. Most of the time, I find myself either in denial about the destruction that has occured or trying to distract myself with something just to not be reminded of the cold hard truth that stands right before me. I watch the news everyday, in fact, the news is what my family's watching almost all the time to get the latest updates on whatever's happening at the disaster-stricken areas. I see dead bodies, some frozen, with arms reaching out, and I can only imagine that they were either reaching out for help or to The One above. I see people crying, and children bleeding, houses destroyed, among other things. And here I am, spoilt little me, complaining about every single thing I can find faults with when I am so much more blessed than they are. I sleep at night and conveniently pull my blanket over me when I can't stand the cold, and over there, people are dying of hunger and the cold because they don't even have food or a shelter over their heads anymore. I realise that I might sound a little too naggy but I just felt as if I have to share my thoughts with someone, with all of you here. I urge all of us here who are lucky enough to be sitting in front of our computers to do whatever we can to help those affected by the calamity, and to other people who might need our assistance. I read in the Koran that GOD never fails to assist us, so why should we not extend our assistance to those who are in need? For those of you who do not believe in a GOD, think of just one time that you needed someone to lend you a hand, during a time when you really needed one. Imagine if no one had come at that time. You are now in the position to render help. Do not turn away. GOD bless us all.(I wrote a poem to kinda express some of my thoughts and it’s the one below. Enjoy!)

To The Victims of The Tsunami Attacks- You are loved and remembered!

Will my prom dress be of any use?
The one I spent days fussing over
Now that the sky has changed hues
And it’s cold and all you need is a cover
Will my expensive perfumes be able to mask?
The revolting scent exuded by the defeated
To ease off the pressing impossibilities of the task
Of having to move on despite having hopes depleted
I sit here everyday and moan my life away
When you don’t even know if you’ll see the next sunrise
Unpredictability and despair mar the day
And you pray that days ahead won’t be filled with goodbyes
I quarrel with the people I love almost everyday
Over stupid little things that might not even matter
Then I took some time to reflect and pray
When I realized your family’s lifeless bodies you had to gather
Why do I look to all the things that wouldn’t last?
When all I need is right here presented before me
What is my “sorrow” compared to your heartbreak lying vast?
That left you nothing you can do but let things be
I’ll be praying for you, my faith is still not gone
I feel your pain and I see your shattered dreams
I urge you not to give up and to hold on
Because behind every dark episode, a ray of light gleams

Testing testing...

2004-12-24T08:13:00.000-08:00

All hail Princess Zee!!