*Smiles*

Just when you think everything will just go on monotonous, even though you've got a littleof your spirit back up, after so long being down in the dumpster, something comes along your path and tells you otherwise.

Watched The Amazing Race, which just ended. Right from the start I knew I wasn't going to be rooting for Rob and Amber, because firstly, the arrogance they've been exuding, I only saw that on the advertisements (or trailers) for the show and yes, those are enough, just puts me off. They are not exactly very nice people, not that I've seen anyway. And hey, they have got a million bucks from another reality Tv show already; they don't need another.So, my money, not literally, were on the other 2 couples.

One of the two couples weren't exactly my kind of couple. I don't remember their names but one was an ex-Prisoner of War and the lady is a Pageant Queen. I seriously think the lady should go get herself someone who will love her better and is more worthy of herself. She is beautiful, smart and such a good person...the guy should count himself lucky just knowing her, but no, she actually loves him and he doesn't exactly feel the same way! She was verystrong and portrayed such intelligence and strength throughout the race that I think every woman should be proud of. She was being hurt, emotionally, but she pulled herself together and finished the race. Kudos to her!

Ok, the couple that deserved the million dollars and my respect and admiration and a whole lot of other things- Uchenna and Joyce. They are a married couple, and comparing them to other couples, not that I've seen all considering that fact that I only watched two episodesof this season's edition of the show, they were just real, no facades whatsoever and they were just the nicest people. The entire time they were just so supportive of each other, ok so maybe Amber and Rob were that too, and the love they had for each other just shone through, through every obstacles they encountered and every other thing that came in between.

I also thought at the end of the show that there is still hope for the world, because nice people like Uchenna and Joyce exist! These two, can you believe it, risked a million dollars just to get money to pay the cab driver for the ride! They could have just told him to wait while they finished the race and then get some money to pay him, but no, they began asking, or begging as they called it, for money to pay the driver before they ran all the way to the finish line. I don't know anyone, maybe not a lot, of people who would do that. The driver was unhappy that they didn't have enough money to pay him so they wanted to make sure that his "fees" were covered before they went on to receive their glory. I cant even begin to express the kind of respect and admiration I have for the 2 of them. (This could partly be the results of the fragmented thoughts in my head right now)

For those of you who watched the final show you would know that Uchenna and Joyce probably were not the "favourites" to win seeing that they didn't have anything with them after coming in last at one checkpoint and had their things and money taken away and that they were so lagging behind the other 2 teams because they were almost immobilised. They couldn't get anywhere because they had no money. GOD bless the soul of the kind man who gave them a lift to the airport so they could beg for money from the people there. I did wonder why in the world didn't they just ask that man to send them to their destination. However, now that I think about it, they probably had a long-term plan going on and that kinda makes sense because they possibly thought that they cant bother that nice man for the rest of their journey, see how nice they are, and they would need money to get around. I don't think most of you could picture how far behind they were from the other teams so ifyou can, catch the last episode of the race on cable or something. I love the twist near the end where they actually got on the same flight as Amber and Rob after the gates were closed. The pilot actually agreed to open up the gates to let the 2 of them in.

I suppose what touched me most was how Uchenna and Joyce kept the faith amidst the adversities they faced. The entire time it just seemed as if the odds were against them but they believed, they believed that things would work out, if not that they were going to make it. They didn't give up, even though that was probably the easiest thing to do. They knew that GOD was watching over them and that things were going to be fine.At the end of the race, when they were told that they were the first team to arrive, making them the winners of the race, Joyce told the other teams who were waiting for the final 3 teams to end the race that while she was praying she heard the prayers the other teams made for them. I was possibly already trying very hard to hold back the tears at that moment. The power of faith. The power of GOD! GOD's light surpasses any darkness. That I believe, and my faith have been strengthened. And GOD bless Uchenna and Joyce, and those kind souls who helped them. I hope the two of you stay in love for always and good luck with your plans on having kids. And thank you for enhancing my life, and reality television!

I have to admit, hearing such things when one is on the journey to recovery is very heartening and, for me, something emotional. I've probably have been having self-doubt for the longest time and having gone through the A levels and not doing well certainly have not made me any better. I reckon the exams (and the horrible things that happened along the way) and results have possible aggravated, if not triggered, this "self-destruction". I am however proud to say that I am recovering. I know for most of you reading this now you probably could never tell that I've been going through...the motions? Those closer to me know that the older Zaidah hasn't made frequent appearances in front of them but hey, take heart people...the princess is coming back!

To a certain teacher out there, who kinda became my friend even though we hardly know each other, thanks for reminding me that having self-doubts is just a part of being human and for making me realize that I can't run away from the truth just by telling myself things to cover up the pain and disappointment. You were never my teacher but you taught me some very valuable lessons.

Dear GOD, I know I haven't exactly been good (that's the best word I can come up with rightnow) but I know You are at work in my life. Even during those times when I feel distanced from You, deep inside I know that You are watching over me and loving me. Thank You for every single blessing You have showered upon me. Please come into my heart and stay by my side. Please lead me to Your Love and Heavens and guide me every single day of my life. I love You. Love me.

*Written on 12 May 2005, after The Amazing Race