*Sobs*

Pu Zhexiong died. I can’t even begin to express my grief. Yes, that was the last episode of "Glass Shoes", and no, the happy ending I sought from it didn’t exactly materialize. What can I say? I really am saddened by the ending. Zhexiong died while trying to save Shanyu. He didn't even get to hear her tell him that she loves him.

That was one guy who never gave up on his love and even died for it. It made me think back on some of the "principles", if they can even be called that, or maybe the "holds" in my life- the things, thoughts, philosophies etc etc I held or maybe made up and held on to in my life (and this is one thought that isn’t new to me because I've thought about it a long time ago and for a long time it hasn't been back to "bug" me, or my head... ok, I realize that I might not make a lot of sense but is this my blog or is this my blog? So there! Yes, a part of me knows that true love surpasses anything and yes, lovers do not mind giving up their lives for their loved ones but honestly, as much as I think that is such a noble thing to do and sometimes I think (however stupid) that is an essential part of this thing called love because the other person is your "everything", I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with myself if anyone did that for me. I am serious! I mean, let’s say I love someone, and yes, this time I am referring to a guy, and he is my heart and possibly my life... oh, what am I saying, he is my life... and say the same scenario in "Glass Shoes" happens to me, this guy tries to rescue me from the clutches of some hooligans who has kidnapped me (yeah Zaidah, who can actually do that? No, no one has exactly had the courage to tell me that in the face yet, that's something I tell myself) and gets killed in the process... can someone tell me how I can go on with my life? I don’t know how. The person I love is gone forever. I won't have him around anymore. I know this sounds really pessimistic, I don't even think that's an appropriate word but I really can't think of another right now so that will just have to suffice, and sound so unlike me, but I think that unless something like that happens to one, one will not be able to feel what someone who has gone through such a tragedy is feeling, let alone comprehend the devastation.

I could go on and on about this one but above everything I just wanna say, to whoever it may concern, don't die for me. I was going to add "let me die for you" and then I realized that that person will be going through the same things I have been talking about. Dead end. Sometimes I really feel that the whole thing will love is just screwed or flawed, but then I get reminded that GOD is love so my notions of the whole thing must be the ones that are misguided. I just know that there are so much more I need to learn, my life lessons and that one day I will understand why things happen the way they do, hopefully. I will just have to wait to receive these lessons, which will take place in perfect sequence, with or without me realising that they are taking place.

Not too long ago I made a decision, though right so much more have happened that I don’t even remember what the decisions or decisions were, that was fueled by my fear of losing someone. I knew for a fact that that fear will eventually lead to the result I least desired but I decided to just go with what my head told me, and now I’m not sure what exactly happened or if it happened because of that fear, but yes, right now I am kinda certain I have lost that person. Maybe one day we might reconcile but right now I am just moving on. (And people, people, don’t start getting ideas about who this person is. Trust me, you don’t know)

The only person who truly got happiness form the show was probably Yanhong who got to marry Ruijun. Okok, that was a deliberate attempt to elude the other "blessings" the other characters got. Well, Shanyu got reunited with Taixi after 16 years of being apart. In the end, the 2 sisters went back to the river where their father's ashes were scattered, one of the most emotional moments for me, and they called out for their dad to tell him that they have found each other and have come to visit him, together. Shanyu's character, besides being the most endearing, also portrays resilience and humanity that I haven't exactly seen in any character anywhere before. I guess being contented with what one has is really happiness at its best, besides knowing that GOD loves you. Fretting and fusing over what one doesn't have or what could have happened really just saps one of energy and paves the way for negative feelings and thoughts to take over one's mind.

I had an avalanche of thoughts to include in this post but I think now that my own feelings and nerves have been a little assuaged, it's been more than an hour since the show ended and it's officially 2am right now and I am getting pretty tired, I guess what I don't include don't really matter. If they do come back to me then I'll know that those thoughts and feelings do mean something to me, more than I think they do, so I might include them in my other posts.

Right now I'm sure some of you are experiencing some sort of a culture shock getting the insights of the things I think about and all. Not just that, the way I think, how I confuse myself and get everything mixed up and then derive at a conclusion and then decide that no, that's not how things should be, and then think that I was right before and then totally adopt the opposite viewpoint and then decide nothing was ever wrong etc etc etc must have added to your confusion. "Huh? What are you talking about?" Well, what can I say? Welcome to my life. That's how I think and that's how things will be. Don't like it? Leave. And no, Simple Plan ain't the only people who can say that. Don't get me wrong, I love them.

For those who think that you are smart enough and will possibly be leaving stupidity-charged comments for me, you know, about the things I have just said especially in the earlier paragraphs, totally missing my points, all I can say to you lesser people is, in advance because I won’t bother myself with replying to you, shame on you!

And so, I have just decided again that despite the more-tragedy-than-happy-ending ending to "Glass Shoes" I will still not rule out the option of getting the VCDs to the show. I just hate that they don’t have English subtitles but I don’t quite care because I can try to make out what they are trying to say through other ways. Haha... and not too long ago I was telling myself that I will not get them. Ah, just one of the joys of being a woman... you can be fickle and no one can blame you for it. Social stigmas can work in our favour girls, provided we are smart enough to draw circles around them so they won’t rule over us instead. : )

Even right now I still know there are people reading this going "what the hell is she talking about?" Don’t understand? Don’t matter.

To end off this post, as if it isn't long enough, I would just like to say that if I ever find someone I just know that there is a great possibility that I will ask him, "Will you die for me?" I know that the answer I get might disappoint me and that to make judgments or decisions from that one question might be unfair but if I don't try I'll never know, and then we'll see what happens from there. I was even thinking, maybe I'll just hit the registrar once I find someone who gives me a satisfactory answer, which is stupid. Thinking about it, I can't believe how many years have passed since I came up with the answer to that question, and it still hasn't changed! I've always thought I grew up too fast. Fancy thinking about such things when I should have been bothered with TV, exams, school- the works!

I still believe that nothing is impossible, especially with GOD by your side. I don't know what will happen in the future but I hope that I will be able to embrace everything that comes my way and keep my faith, and my head!

Lotsa love,
Princess Zaidah